What's next is better

I am willing to go through the pain, to get to where I want to be; where I am meant to be.

Well here we go, the blog topic that has haunted me for 6 months. I have to be honest with you friends, I have been quite reserved with this one. The fear of not properly communicating what I am feeling and having it read wrong has scared me enough to avoid this topic week after week, month after month. Thank you to my closest friends for understanding that I wasn't ready to talk about it and for giving me the space to sort it all out. But here we go, I am ready to be open and share.

This is for all of us middle moms, the ones before the season, the ones after the season has passed, and for all of the family and friends trying to understand what we may be feeling. I had myself pretty convinced that I was good and ready for the empty nester life. Man, I was tired, single mom life, TEENAGERS, business owner, relationships, all the things that can feel so wearing, downright exhausting. I was ready, I wanted to be selfish with myself, and I was and I am ready. But just like anything, this is a journey, not a sprint.

My greatest moments and memories of my entire life are with my children. The ones that matter anyway. Of course, many of us have that one special romantic night. or some amazing life event, but that feeling doesn't even enter into the realm of what I feel with my kids. There was just something special about raising them single-handedly and fully providing for them. The bond we had when they were young, that we still have now, cannot be matched by anything else in my life.

When they were young I would watch them experience something new or something for the hundredth time and that was all I ever needed to keep on going. They were my lust, they pushed my desires to be great, so I could turn and provide for them It was like a drug for me, doing more and more to be able to give to them what I felt they deserved. Talk about keeping your bucket full at all times. My every waking desire seemed to navigate around what awesome thing I could pull off for them that day, that week, holiday, etc.

I remember many times sitting all together in the family room when they were all about grade school and middle school age and just pulling out 3 random vacation spots and saying... "We crushed our goals, where should we go this weekend?". Then within an hour, we were packed up and in the car headed off to an amazing adventure. The ironic part is that at the time. I didn't even see that they were ALL of my drive, THEY were my WHY, they were my willpower. But, I am human, and we don't always see what we have when it is right in front of us. I knew I was happy, my happiest ever actually. But of course, typical me, wanted more. I constantly sat and felt the longing to grow my company, enroll more members, to do more things for my private clients, and my pro team, like adding in huge pop-up workouts, health retreats, masterminds and so much more. To be transparent, I put the fact that I didn't have a relationship that could help lift burdens or support the goals I had nor did I feel that I could delegate the time and financial resources to pull from my young family. I convinced myself that those things would have been required to do what I wanted next. I used that as an excuse to not grow. I hid behind it because yeah, I can see now that I was scared. If a single person out there says they are "never" afraid of failing or rejection then in my opinion they are a flat-out liar.

Now here I go, to do all of those things. Bringing tremendous value to people all around the world, they are now my babies. And yes, we are going to pick where we are going on our first retreat but I will give you guys more than an hour to pack lol. So here is the funny part. I have never wanted or dreamed of anything more than what I am exactly doing right this very moment. I laid in bed for 25 years of my adult life dreaming of exactly this. Likely 8 of my youthful years were parallel dreams. but, the lust, desire, and motivation have changed. I find myself meditating and thinking of the people that I now get to help, and the journeys that we will have. The seat that my team and I are privileged to hold, to be in the front row of magnificent, beautiful lives being challenged, rerouted, and improved tremendously.

Here is what I am trying to say I guess, this is hard. A super different kind of hard. It's quiet, super quiet, and it can feel lonely, super freaking lonely, my young adults are kicking ass in life and doing all the things and I couldn't be more proud as a mama, but it's a weird absence in my life. This too shall pass and I will get used to the silence, but it has sure been an adjustment. I feel very blessed to have something pull me so hard out of bed each morning. So Mom's, find something. What do YOU WANT to do? It can feel like this huge, empty hollow spot in your heart but where I find myself now feeling joy is that I GET TO BECOME. I get to focus on my goals, my company, and for the first time in my adult life, my wants, my needs, and my desires.

Be kind to the women in your lives, yah, be kind to all humans of course but I hold this super special space in my heart for women. For the magnitude of what we feel, and how we feel. It is just on an entirely different level than what most could ever comprehend. We make humans ladies, we have been given these tremendously large hearts that feel and care to the deepest level. Embrace that, grow that, share that, teach that! We were designed to feel at this level and if anyone discredits your feelings, if they don't listen quietly or let you FEEL, then I highly recommend distancing yourself from that person immediately so you can continue to feel, love, and share that beautiful light.

Thanks for reading