What would I tell this Little me

The girl, in this pic, is simply just a little girl who is full of life and loved her daddy beyond words. My daddy got me ready for picture day on this day. If my mother was writing this, she’d have many different opinions from what I was thinking that morning.

I loved this shirt. It was my stepsisters hand me downs, I was a girl who’d never received hand me downs, so I thought it was special. I used to stuff this shirt in the very top of my closet to hide it from my mother. My dad did my hair in pigtails, wrapped them up in yarn, sent me to school and BAM it was picture day. This was my only few months as a child in a public school outside of high school. I was ecstatically proud of my hand me down shirt and my awkward pigtails with yarn in my hair. I suppose this just is… well, who I am. Who I was meant to be. A little awkward, extraordinarily effervescent and completely, nearly 100% misunderstood.

My mother however was and is a completely different type of human than I. She cared tremendously about EVERYTHING in my youth.  I believe that today she still cares to a similar extent. I suppose many people call me selfish, because I don’t care, I truly DO NOT CARE OF YOUR OPINIONS. I like what I like. I am who I am. Well until I’m not and we will get to that later in this blog. I’ve learned as I’ve quietly witnessed that most of our world tries to please by pleasing others. I was taught to speak when spoken to, that we were given two ears and one mouth, to represent, but both of my loving parents would likely tell you that I was quite the handful and nearly seldom complied to what was being taught. I loved to defy. I often ran off leaving my mother in a pure panic, but somehow, to this day, I still feel I did this defiance, quite respectfully. I never believed in being, disrespectful, distasteful or hateful. I would just pretty much say “no thank you”. My father claims my favorite word as an older teen was “whatever” which was likely when I gave up the debate of what I was trying to achieve (but knowing me, I most likely still achieved or disobeyed to the level where I gained what I was seeking anyway).

Many hours I often find myself wishing I could have been a child that complied to the norm. Oh, how much simpler my life would have been on so many levels. Why could I not become what was expected of me. The pain and trouble I would have saved myself. But here I am, with a broken heart, a gift I can’t explain and a passion to serve that wakes me almost nightly. I believe I was given an innate gift to serve, to lead, to love and to provide. I really don’t have many complaints of my life. I’ve lived outrageously, I’ve loved extraordinarily, and I’ve certainly led many but I’m still trying to find what my happiness is. My eldest daughter who is wise beyond her years made a statement recently, that she never felt I was truly happy, that in every picture I’m glowing but that she could see right through it. I was “taught” to show up. She is right. I don’t suppose I’ve been truly, truly happy many times in my life.

I remember being about the age of this photograph and having my parents take my brother, his friend and myself on a vacation to Disneyland. I remember sharing a churro with my dad who I loved so much, who I much later discovered wasn’t my biological father at all. To this day I refuse that sentence, he is as far as I feel the only dad I have and the only dad I would ever want. To sidenote, the way that man loves my mother, her children, his life, his world, it’s impossible to explain. I hope to one day achieve what he has. That trip to Disneyland is the first “big” vacation that I can remember, it was one of my first moments of recalling feeling truly “happy”.

I suppose I wish I could tell this little girl in the picture to continue to not care. Not about the opinions of anybody. For some reason I tremendously care how some of the men I have chosen to be with feel about me. I change all I “have” to, to satisfy their desires Here I sit wondering if it’s even fixable at this point, in my mid 40’s. Am I meant to be single forever? Alone now that my kids are all grown and gone? I lose myself in every relationship. My kid's dad, well ironically, he was likely the best. He is kind, compassionate and very caring. I was just too young to recognize his gifts and quite frankly still a daddy, and a mommy’s girl since I was so young. However, I was truly and authentically, simply me, during our marriage (enter my first trauma experiences here).  Then a couple more relationships where I was bored, inattentive, or simply just didn’t care enough to focus on the “task” at hand. To one of those men who I am still a close friend with today, I am terribly sorry. He was kind, likely loved me more than any human ever has, and I was terribly cruel. Not intentionally cruel, but cruel, nonetheless. I now understand to love someone so much and have the feeling of them not accepting, acknowledging your efforts; nor care, well it sucks. Bottom line. I don’t want to be that person. If someone loves me to that level, I’ve now decided to look closer at them.

What would I say to that little version of me.

The careless, super happy, beyond outgoing, glowing little human.

Care tremendously! But to pay close attention about the things she cares about. Don’t care about the little noise. Don't care about ANYONES OPINION! Don’t care about your makeup. Don’t care about the hiccups, a late bill, spilled milk, a burnt dinner, but care for those who consistently show up for you. Care for the ones who have earned your care. Care for those that allow you to be yourself and love you through it all. Show up for those that need your light. Be a leader, be an example, be the person you were built to be. But care less about the little things, the bullies, the opinions, opinions of anybody but yourself. Damn I allowed myself to be bullied far too much as an adult by a couple of humans I once respected. but NEVER once was I bullied by a human I wasn’t romantically involved with and absolutely never as a adolescent. I was bold, I was outspoken, fearless, nearly too blunt at most times. Then I had a child, and something changed. I suppose I attempted to conform to be accepted and I have been fighting it for 26 years.

Today, I am done conforming. I am now one step closer to living the life I’ve wanted for most of my life. A vagabond living. The ability to just be, to go where I want to go. To spend my days where I want to spend them. While all the while providing so much love and attention to hundreds of people around the world who need my knowledge to achieve their goals. I can’t quite explain who I am, or how I got here but I can truly tell you, my readers. That I am forever grateful for the example of my hard working, never quitting, relentless stud of a mother, a father who accepted me, took me in, loved me unconditionally and 5 of the most wonderful blessings that one could ever imagine, who changed me, my forever, my purpose my entire being, my children. And to one man, the only man I have ever truly loved on a romantic level, who has changed everything about what I see in front of me. Broken trust, promises not kept, love abused, the things I should have done to prevent my own suffering. The regret of ever saying yes. This last season of life was a gigantic, painful lesson. I believe the lesson I needed to become truly full and discover me. I don't know where I will ever end up from here, but I hope to have you all along for the journey. It will be full of adventures, laughter, self-discovery and more growth than I think I can even begin to fathom. I’m a shit show express and extremely gifted. I am here to share as much as I can with each of you. Bear with me.

-Lauri

Still rock the pigtails today but decided to ditch the yarn :)